The Word Is Blue

1999 was a brilliant year for movies from all of those who were alive to see that. I was like 7 years old and too drunk off of how much I loved The Phantom Menace to do so but in retrospect, I do see what established 1999 as a hardcore cinephile year.

We got Rosetta, we got Toy Story, we got Being John Malkovich, we got Eyes Wide Shut (and as a bonus, we killed Stanley Kubrick), we got uh… I guess American Beauty and Magnolia and the Matrix for everybody into those movies. My point is that the year of 1999 was unwanting for films.

And so it should come as no surprise that 1999 was where cinema history received its greatest fucking movie ever made.

NO! DON’T YOU DARE ARGUE WITH ME! NUH UH! NO WAY! THIS Is NOT UP FOr FUCKING DEBATE! WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SHOW YOU Is HARDCORE SOLID FACT THAT THIS FILM IS THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME BY A LARGE MARGIN NEVER TO BE SURPASSED!

In 1998, the best band that ever existed – Eiffel 65 – released their debut album of Europop and took the world by storm by unleashing a new genre of music: Europop. But the biggest bomb had not exploded yet until 1999 when they released one of their tracks as a single:

“Blue (Da Ba Dee)” is largely considered the pinnacle of modern music since Lou Reed started making noise with Metal Machine Music. Sure, it won no Grammys but neither did “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and Nirvana is too fucking dank not to be considered dank (Guys, did you know that the drummer for Nirvana – Kurt Cobain – is also the singer for the Foo Fighters?).

Anyway, moving on to the real genius of “Blue (Da Ba Dee)” beyond its vivid storytelling and pensive lyrics open to interpretation ranging from closeted homosexuality (“I’m in need of a guy”) to contemplation of suicide (“if I was green I would die”) to environmentalism (“if I was green I would die”) and its impressive production work to blanket the organic beats and fresh keyboard riff that comes off clear as the fuzz on a caterpillar’s ass that separates an annoying pop tune like “Imagine” by John Lennon from banging masterpiece like this song.

The true power is from the song’s incredible music video that I linked above. Never will we ever experience such an outstanding masterwork of visual art and if the Renaissance masters were still alive (For those who don’t know who they are: Leonardo Da Vinci, Michaelangelo, Georgia O’Keefe, Raphael, Splinter), they’d kill themselves over shame that they will never reach the polished heights of this music video.

I mean, just on the surface level, it’s a riveting rousing intergalactic adventure, we have some top-notch uncanny special effects that just can’t make tell who is realer – the cookie-cutter blue aliens or the super-tan frosted-tips spiky gel Italian kids, and most of all, we finally have a film accessible enough to allow deaf viewers (or people who don’t speak English, but same shit) to watch the fantastic visuals while still getting the gist of what the film is talking about.

I mean, yeah, the design on these aliens is ugly, but they’re aliens, man. You’re ugly too and you don’t even have that excuse. Unless you meant Eiffel 65 in which case, they’re at least trying to be pretty, but you know that’s a lost cause for yourself.

Now really, let’s not be shallow and see what this video is all about to make it such an ultimate classic. Look here at what opens the video!

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Yeah. I know. You’re not the only one who thinks Terry Gilliam and H.R. Giger did uncredited design work on this and that’s fantastic to me, because it means that they’ll always be remembered by riding on the coattails of this never-going-to-be-infamous phenomenon. Centuries from now shit like Alien and Brazil will be forgotten, but not this song. Not this video. And after a second of marveling at this technological wonder, we have a guide introduce himself to us…

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First of all, look at that stiff unrelaxed posture. Such restraint! Such physique! His jaw moves in centimeters to showcase that Yo! His hip up the top with the lingo, son! His name is tanguy and he here to say but the blue lil’ midgets in a land of play!

Anyway, the movie is very aware that you feel unlucky in not being able to see him and his kung fu swerving and fast running friends in concert and uses blue aliens as a metaphor for that when they straight hijack the tanguy in the hat and take him to their planet.

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When his friends go to rescue to him, you might think “what the fuck? That’s a small ship”, but dude, you just don’t get it! It’s a metaphysical journey out of France to the blue planet. They’re not taking their bodies. They’re taking their souls!

Also, apparently their souls are faster than the blue aliens’ ship

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But that’s ok because cardboard soul and the other fat guy wait until the blue aliens make it to the planet first. Because this movie is too smart to feed you information, it leaves it ambiguous as to whether it’s because the cardboard soul and fat guy are being polite and know that you shouldn’t break down a motherfucker’s door when he’s not home or if it’s because they’re supposed to be taking blue aliens’ lead and don’t know where they are going otherwise. I go with the former because these guys are just too cool and you don’t need directions on a metaphysical journey.

And boy oh boy, when they arrive, it’s a gunfighter Wyatt Earp showdown as fuck, I tell you hwat.

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But cardboard soul, with his Adonis blood and Goku DNA, ain’t having that shit.

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They’re straight murdering motherfuckers backstage of their little attempt to have an Eiffel 65 show (because it’s really unrealistic to believe that any band as big as Eiffel 65 does not have an intergalactic fanbase).

And because tanguy is so cool, he doesn’t even care where these blue children came from suddenly, he’s just jamming for them. We need characters in film as respectful as tanguy.

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While his buddies be backstage busting blue balls so hard that cardboard soul doesn’t even have to touch them.

And because the geniuses at Bliss Corp. know what’s up and what sells, they know Forrest Gump is another one of the greatest movies in the world and so they have the fat guy run like a real bro.

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It’s really a fantastic action fiesta, respectful of continuity, crossing-the-line, lighting balance, and all that other stupid filmmaker shit that kids on /r/movies talk about that other movies like Steven Spielberg, Die Hard, and The Wire steal a little too much from this music video not to be suspicious. but it even has a final feel-good ending where everybody (except the fucking fools Eiffel 65 murked) gets what they wanted people are all happy. And believe it or not, it does something you would have nebver expected…

It ends in a musical number.

SPOILER ALERT

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“Blue (Da Ba Dee)” is the greatest movie of all time. Of all motherfucking time. And if you like anything else more, you’re a fucking idiot. Get the fuck out.

Mic fucking drop.

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