“If I must just choose the method of my demise, I choose…
Death By Cinema!” -Britt Rhuart
Day 2 – Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter
Again, I don’t know much about this film going in, but here’s what I do know.
1. The title is awesome.
2. Holy crap, the title is accurate?!? Jesus vs. Vampires?
3. El Santo is in it?!? Whaaaaaaaa?!?
4. It’s a musical? How have I not watched this yet? How am I not watching it now? I’m watching it right now!
Random Thoughts While Watching the Film:
So, we start with random clips of preachers preaching and eventually settle on this Rasputin looking dude breaking the fourth wall. This guy is great, though the cinematography is weird movie in random jerky movements.
I like the credits sequence, it looks like something out of an 80s horror film. Plus the character names seem pretty cool.
Why is that vampire out in the day time? I swear to God, if she starts sparkling, I’ll be pissed. But don’t worry, she’s wearing sunglasses.
Actual quote: “Where have all our lesbians gone?”
Hey, Father Alban has a punk rock mohawk. Radical! And he’s riding on a moped that’s cut so his mohawk sticks perfectly out the top while a terrible punk song called Live to Ride, Ride to Live plays.
And here’s Jesus, just dunking people in the ocean.
Actual dialogue: Jesus: “Lemonade?” Priest: “Will there be enough?” Jesus: “Oh, there’ll be plenty.”
Hey, um, it’s great Jesus is here and all, but why is he back? So far no explanation.
Uh, oh, those lesbian vampires just stepped in Jesus’s sandcastle and kicked him in the nuts.
But it’s cool, Jesus comes back with some wicked kung fu. So much for turning the other cheek.
A jazz song with only symbols and people whispering the names of the books of the New Testament while Jesus drives a moped, gets His ears pierced, and a shave and a haircut and- THAT’S WHAT JESUS LOOKS LIKE WITHOUT A BEARD OR LONG HAIR?!? He looks like Seinfeld and Kramer had a lovechild. But don’t worry He’s hear to sing a crappy song while holding out the holes in His palm and riding a skateboard and healing some sexy babes while and interracial newly married couple dance the Torah and Jesus does hopscotch and what is going on with my life?
Also, Jesus is really short. Like very noticeable short. I’m talking Jon Stewart levels, but not quite Danny Devito levels.
Scene transition that’s just a cross in front of a hypnowheel.
This Hispanic priest has something off. It’s like his monotone voice is slightly out of sync by a syllable.
Hey, that Hooters waitress is flirting with Jesus.
Actual dialogue: “I’ll need to buy some wood… for stakes.”
So, the vampire gang just used the Latin pronunciation of Jesus’s name. And their gang is called the Atheists!
Actual dialogue: “Look Hey-sus, we’re taking your second coming ass down! Consider this the 13th Station of the Cross!” Jesus (looking like and making motions like Popeye): “Let’s get on with the conversions.”
Jesus just made that guy punch himself in his own kidney as an improbable number of people exit this car like it’s a clown car, leading Jesus into the worst choreographed fight scene ever. By the time the 6th group of people exit the car to surround Him, Jesus is just like, “C’mon, son.”
A guy with dreads just hit Jesus with his hair and Jesus sold it like a champ.
There are just too many little things to comment on in this film, from here on out, I’ll just have to cover the… “highlights?”…
Another cross transition.
Jesus walking down the street like it’s a 70s blaxploitation flick. I’m not joking music and all. No purpose to that scene, Jesus just walks to funky music.
Oh, God, this new ally is named Mary Magnum!
I guess all Jesus needed was a schvitz and a massage from a sexy woman with an old blocky laptop.
EXPOSITION WITHOUT CONFLICT!
Oh, boy Jesus is going shopping for new threads after Mary Magnum comments on the size of his junk.
Actual line of dialogue: White clerk to Jesus as he wants to try something on: “In the back my soul brother!”
Jesus is wearing a shirt that says, “Fuck me, fuck you, fuck everybody.”
Actual line of dialogue: Same jive ass honky in the clothing store after Jesus gives him a five spot for the clothes: “Hold up, a lousy nickel? That shirt’s worth a sauce-key (WTF) if it’s worth a subway token!” Jesus gives him another buck. “Six, that won’t even buy me a pimp stick, come on put your weight on it.” Jesus gives him another buck. “Seven, see now you in the hood, but you way down the block.” Jesus relents and gives the guy 8.50. “Wear it like you mean it.” He then give Mary a pair of salt and pepper shakers (?). “For you, free as OJ.” I have now found the man I want to follow in life. Not Jesus… jive ass store clerk.
I can’t tell you how weird it is to see beardless, short haired Jesus waring a black v-neck tightly tucked into a jeans.
Well, theres a weird surgeon who carves up a gal and then rubs her skin on his face while ranting nuttily. Oh, he’s just grafting skin onto vamps so they can walk in the daytime. He also likes them while they sleep. And I’m no doctor, but I don’t think surgery should require that many clothespins. Or any clothespins really.
There’s a room of dead lesbians with some middle aged woman just randomly screaming, but all I’m noticing is the poster for “But I’m a Cheerleader” on the wall.
Jesus just spit his own blood onto that vampire in a fight scene and the vampire just licked it off. Smart moment.
Aw, Lesbian Vampire just bit Mary Magnum.
Oh, good, Fourth Wall Rasputin is back and he’s gone. What?
Jesus is injured and who’s the only one who helps him? The cardinal? The cop? The drag queen hooker? Yes, the last one.
Oh, God! God is speaking to Jesus out of a bowl of cherries. But at first, Jesus thinks it’s just a bowl of cherries talking to him. And then Jesus eats God’s cherry eye. And the God bowl of cherries told Jesus to call his mom.
Aw, shit! It’s El Santo! I don’t know how someone didn’t get sued for that, since it’s not the real Santo. Or Santos as he’s called in the film. And the reporters asked him about Aztec Mummy.
Actual line of dialogue: “I apologize for the reporters. They are harder to escape than the Blue Demon’s cobra clutch.”
Jive ass store clerk is back! Some highlights: “You’re getting all in my Kool Aid and you don’t know the flavor.” “I’m as close as 99 is to 100 to Johnny and his crew, but I don’t know you from Adam, madam.” “Tell that to a one legged man, so he could bump it off down the road, jack.” “I caught the jive. You the boss dick. Say I cop, then I’d be cleaner than the board of health, right?” How is this guy not the star of the movie?
And now a scat singer with hillbilly teeth name Blind Jimmy Leper, introduced by THE Johnny Vegas (playing himself). Also, he can scat like a dream, but can’t talk or act or introduce Jesus to a club of drunks.
Santos is laughing WAY too hard at Jesus’s line about God forgiving all.
Jesus is a crappy scatter, but he can play the skins (drums) like nobody’s business. And now he’s tossing drumsticks and staking camps. He kills one with his garlic breath. Santos tosses a toothpick to stake a vamp. Jesus blesses his beer and spits it at vamps, melting them.
Jesus just hit his head on the machine in the mens room and now condoms are falling on him. He stakes a guy with a plunger and sticks him to the wall. Johnny Vegas is not affected by any of this vamp action and just keeps smoking and drinking scotch.
The Virgin Mary is now speaking to Jesus out of a plastic Virgin Mary. Jesus treats it like it ain’t no thang. Also, Mary seems to really love lesbians.
Aw, Mary Magnum’s a vampire.
Ahh! Fourth Wall Rasputin out of nowhere! And… he’s gone.
Actual dialogue: Jesus: “Why lesbians?” Vampire priest: “They’re devious, no one will miss them.” Jesus: “There’s nothing deviant about love.” Santos: “Good one! The truth is as bitter as garlic to them!” Jesus and Santos know what’s up. How is it a crappy Jesus Vampire movie from 15 years ago is more progressive then most of our politicians today?
Santos is fighting Vampire Luchadors while the news reports on it.
Jesus shows up at the Vampire Surgeon’s place, who is confused because Jesus is also fighting on screen live. Jesus: “I’m everywhere!” He sits in a chair. “And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Well, Jesus finally used a cross against the vampires. It was kind useless, surprisingly.
Vamp Surgeon is punching Jesus with kidneys taped to his fists? Why?
Jesus just slit the Vamp Surgeon’s throat, then healed it and said, “Not even this separates you from my love.” There’s a proverb.
Aw, shit, they just staked Jesus. Light then shoots from the wounds dusting the vamps. I get it, because he’s the Light and the Way!
And Jesus just cured Vampire Mary and now she’s asked Him to cure her lover Lesbian Vampire, who’s named Maxine Schreck. Get it? Like Max Schreck? And he does. Aww, they’re sweet together without fangs.
Santos’ girlfriend is also healed. Jesus asks if she’s a lesbian. She replies that she’s bi.
Santos is all like YES!
Fourth Wall Rasputin talks to us from a bush now… for some reason.
Jesus is now doing another Sermon on the Mount type speech, while looking like a late 90s TV executive. He does make one good point. If you follow Christianity, don’t follow Him, follow his message. It’s the message, not the messenger. It would be a lot more effective if Jesus’ cell phone didn’t go off in the middle of his speech. Really that whole speech was kinda cool.
Jesus finishes by saying, “Five keeps you alive” and high living Santos while everyone celebrates and the song Everybody Gets Laid plays us out. BTW that song, inspired by Caddyshack, is actually a pretty neat song. Oh, also Jesus grabs a handful of ass to finish the movie.
Ok, this movie was crap, but it was a ton of fun and totally worth seeing as it’s just a giant trip. If you’re super religious, you’ll hate this, but if you’re a bit more chill, I think you’ll have a good time watching it. Good times.
Tomorrow, watch for my review of the HG Lewis film Just For the Hell of It!