Death By Cinema – Day 9 – Dracula, the Dirty Old Man

“If I must just choose the method of my demise, I choose…

Britt

Death By Cinema!” -Britt Rhuart

Day 9 – Dracula, the Dirty Old Man

I literally only know three things about this film. 1. It’s not a literal adaptation of Dracula. Obviously. 2. It’s a mild sexploitation film. 3. They lost all the audio to this film, so they badly dubbed it over in post with new voices and made the whole thing a “comedy.” So, yeah, looks like most of my comments will be about the dialogue here, but I’ll still comment on whatever else I can.

Random Thoughts While Watching the Film:
It opens a shot of a crudely drawn breast, pierced by fangs and bleeding the the title.
The credits don’t credit Dracula, it reads “ALUCARD (Dracula spelled backwards)”. You know, just in case we were unclear.
The theme song is sounds like someone just randomly hit some drums, bangs some piano keys, and plucked some guitar strings, and someone was like, “Yeah, that works.”
Actual line: “It was a day just like any other — which doesn’t say much. And then all of a sudden the sky turned. And I saw a blue mountain — back behind a blue mountain — back behind another blue mountain. And then I knew that I was in the land of blue mountains.”
This dialogue is so badly written. Jesus, I want to write every line so far, but I just don’t have the patience.
Dracula rises from his grave, complaining he has to go to the bathroom, and sounds like the most stereotypically Jewish man ever.
So Dracula spin around and walks through a wooden fence. Or more accurately, he spins, they stop the film so he disappears and start it again he is suddenly on the other side. 1892 called, they want their cutting edge special effects back.
A woman hums awkwardly and loudly while stripping and Dracula stands outside the window just creepily staring. She spends a good minute just humming and posing in front of a three way mirror.
So Dracula lifts his cape, then drops it to reveal the most fake looking bat I’ve ever seen in my life, perched on a goddamn stick. We then see the stick several times, including the shadow of the stick on the wall.
Actual line: “As I sped towards that mine shaft, little knowing what awaited me there, I knew I felt like I was going to get shafted.”
Actual line: “I went to the nearest farmhouse, or whatever it was…” The sign on the door clearly says mine office. Also, you really think there would be a farm out here in the BFE desert? Really, guy? You’re a newspaper reporter, have some sense.
Literally, whenever there’s voiceover narration, the narrator is just trying to tell us what is happening on screen at that time, with his own brand of improv humor. 1. You’re not funny. 2. We can friggin’ see what’s happening on screen, you lout!
Actual line: “I was striding towards what I strode to be…” That’s not a thing! That makes no sense!
Actual line: Dracula points at his medallion in apropos of nothing. “Look at my thing (ting). Isn’t that a pretty thing (ting)?” Dracula then says out hero Mike “turns him on.” I guess Drac swing both ways.
BTW, why is Dracula living in an abandoned mineshaft in Texas?
Actual line: “I’m going to make you a deal. I want for you to go out and get me every night a different girl. You like to do that for me? You would have fun! What’s left over, I give you. I’m gonna make you a Jackal-man.”
Dracula then basically turns Mike into a werewolf through hypnosis and renames him Irving Jackelman.
Actual line: “Don’t forget, Irving. One girl on the full moon time. Bye! Hurry back! Ah, that’s gonna be a- gonna have a good time now.”
Actual line: “Hey, Mike, ya gotta light? Heh-yuk!” (imagine the Goofy laugh)
Wow, the actor playing Mike and the actor voicing Mike are terrible at selling stomach pain related to a werewolf change.
Wait, that’s what the werewolf looks like? It looks like someone took a homemade mask of the Rat King for a third grade production of The Nutcracker Suite and ran over it in a car a couple dozen times.
Dracula strips and molests a girl, while complimenting her.
Actual line: “That’s right don’t try and get vey (way).”
Dracula then kisses her belly down the way and the girl begins to lick her lips. Did… did Dracula just perform cunnilingus? I guess I just never pictured Dracula being a generous lover.
Actual line: “I’ve gonna give you a kiss like you wouldn’t believe!” Drac then sinks his teeth into her boob and drinks, with a look on his face of mingled ecstasy, raw sexuality, and the craziest eyes I’ve seen in quite some time.
A guy comes out of a shop with a girl and he’s dancing around and scatting about how he’s gonna get some. You know, I ain’t even mad at that scene because it’s totally what I’d do. You know, until Irving comes and tosses the guy over the car and kidnaps his girl.
Actual line: Girl fearing for her life: “Oh, no! It’s Irving Jackelman!” How the hell does she know who Irving is? How does she know his name? Why does she call him his name instead of saying, “Holy shit it’s a werewolf!” or more accurately, “Holy shit, it’s a dude in a thoroughly unconvincing rat mask!”?
Irving is confused as the woman just disappears and travels to Drac. We then see a shot of the guy who Irving tossed and… that gore effect from having his torn out throat is by far the best thing in the film so far. I mean, it’s shit, but it’s still the best thing.
Did they hire a blues band to score Dracula tying a chick to the wall? The blues actually ain’t bad, but it’s just weird hearing it attached to this scene.
Now, they obviously had the guy who voiced Drac also voice this woman he’s groping, who sound like a mix of an old Jewish woman speaking in Yiddish, and the “lady” in the Monty Python sketch who says, “No, I don’t like Spam.”
BUSH! Yup, that’s werewolf raping an unconscious woman in wolf/rat form. I feel so ad not only for that character, but for that actress. Oh, God, and he bites her throat, probably killing her, and not even that stops the rape train. Ewwwwwww. Why have so many of the films I’ve watched this year involved rape?
Did that woman just call that dude a masher? What year was this?!?
Oh, my God, literally it’s been pretty much the same scene 5 times in a row. Irving kidnaps a woman, possibly killing their significant other, and Dracula/Irving molests them. The only thing that changes is the location.
Actual line: “Don’t worry, I am Count Dracula, which is Alucard backwards. So you can call me Ally.” I actually am okay with that joke.
Actual line: “I’m now making you a second class “Jackel-man”.
Another wolf-man rape. You know, because the first was so erotic.
Actual line: Dracula: “Why don’t you give her a bite like she wouldn’t fucking (realizes what he says)- for… forget… ooh?”
This is just a five minute scene where some chick makes out with a dude, kicks him out, then gets naked and starts rubbing herself. Not fingering herself, just rubbing herself… then Irving rapes her and she realizes it like halfway through that the wolfrat that’s inside her is not her actual boyfriend.
Just realized Mike (Irving’s human form) looks like a really low-rent Burt Reynolds. Or should I say a more low-rent Burt Reynolds.
Actual line: Dracula: “Come to MEEEEE, MY MELA- oh, what you got for me this time?” Irving appears out of nowhere (another frame stopping feature), then Drac makes her clothes disappear, using that same cheesy technique.
A woman runs away from Irving and Dracula and laughs most of the way at her own wit.
Now Drac rapes an unconscious woman, but Irving’s having none of it and the fight begins. And it’s over. Dracula hits him with a rock (which is bloody before it even connects with his head), then Drac wanders outside for a breath of fresh air. Of course the sun is out because he’s stupid. He goes to get in his coffin, but it’s too late, he disintegrates, as does his coffin for some reason, and the bodies of his victims.
Irving might be dead, but Mike is somehow still alive. And he proposes to the girl… that’s to say he proposes boning her, moments after she was raped and almost killed by Dracula. And she accepts?!? Then there’s just a static shot of them having sex on a pile of rocks in this clave while they breath heavily and moan awkwardly.
It ends and… uh, oh, the shadow of the bat is on the screen! Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnn!

This one was bad, folks. Like, legit one of the worst films I’ve ever seen bad. Possibly one of the worst ever made. The cinematography is practically nonexistent, the footage is in terrible shape, the special effects are some of the worst I’ve seen, the sex is gross and unsexy, and the acting is laughable. Perhaps worst of all though is the writing and this may be the worst written film I’ve ever seen, simply because I don’t think it was written. I think they just stuck some actors in the booth and said, this is basically what the scene is, make it funny, go! And all the actors were so untalented they didn’t make it funny. I didn’t even cover half of the bad lines and only covered the lowlights of bad moments.

I’ll say two things for the film. 1. Sometimes a joke lands. It’s rare, but even a blind squirrel can occasionally find a nut. 2. This movie is a spectacle that needs to be seen to be believed, just to realize the sheer magnitude and insanity that caused this film to come into being. That’s the only way I can recommend it.

Tune in tomorrow for a review of either The Vampire Lovers or Johnny Legend’s trailer and clip compilation Sleazemania! See you then!

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