Death By Cinema – 13 – Fire Maidens of Outer Space

“If I must just choose the method of my demise, I choose…

Britt

Death By Cinema!” -Britt Rhuart

Day 13 – Fire Maidens of Outer Space

For the second day in a row, I have no real preamble here and, like yesterday, I bought this DVD for a buck at the swap meet. Come to think of it, I think it was from the same person… I literally bought it for the title. Come on! Fire Maidens of Outer Space? How is that not an amazing title for a movie that is probably really crappy? Let’s find out!

Random Thoughts While Watching the Film:
First things first, this is one of the cheapest looking DVDs I’ve ever seen. Literally, it’s obvious someone ripped this from a fifth generation VHS recorded off TV, because there’s VHS static, the frame is paused for a second before it rolls, briefly rolls past whatever Fire Maidens taped over, and then plays with a little PLAY icon in the corner. It’s not my DVD players PLAY icon either, it’s obviously a hold over. And damn if the video
For a film like Fire Maidens of Outer Space, the score does not match the film at all. It sounds like it belongs in a cheap animated version of the the first Thanksgiving, made with cut out construction paper. The audio also drops out several times.
We’re 8 minutes in and the rocket to Jupiter’s moon has just taken off. So far, I’m unfamiliar with any of the characters or plot or anything. There are very long stretches of silence. So far, this is one boring ass film.
I do think it’s funny that even though they’re flying in a rocket from earth, they aren’t wearing space suits, they’re dressed in military outfits and/or overcoats.
You know those parody things where they make fun of a really bad sci-fi film and you have the same second of action outside the ship on a loop and they’re acting like they could die at any minute even though the ship isn’t shaking and nothing much is wrong? No. I know that’s really specific, but I’ve seen it quite a few times and this scene was exactly that.
Oh, good the residents of the 13th moon of Jupiter have a radio and speak English.
Actual like: “Look at those mountains…” You mean the weird, Jackson Pollack blobs off in the distance?
The rocket ship landing is just a reversal of the footage of it taking off.
Of course when they land the first thing they do is light up their cigarettes. Why not? Of course out atmospheres are similar and lighting cigarettes in the pure oxygen of the rocket ship is a good idea.
How the hell do they have Morse code? If Independence Day taught me anything, it’s that aliens do not understand Morse code. This whole thing is really friggin’ convenient. Also, the planet looks a lot like Earth. Unless… it was Earth all along! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you all to hell! No, it’s just stupid.
Oh, Goddamn! There’s HUMAN life on this moon! No. Just, no. Evolution!
Why is it the Fire Maiden they meet looks like a sexploitation version of an ancient Greek woman?
The planet is New Atlantis?!? How does this work? How did they get off Earth? Why did they get off Earth? Why didn’t they go to a new continent if theirs was sinking? How did they know about the 13th moon of Jupiter? Why did only one male make it off? How did this race survive for, I’m guessing, thousands of years without reproducing? Are they immortal? What the hell’s going on?
Actual line: “You are weary after your long flight. Food and drink will give you sustenance.” No shit.
Prasus, the Atlantan, proceeds to pray to a painting of Aphrodite, despite the fact he just said it was his grandma. Now he makes it clear they are all descendants of Aphrodite. So, they’re all minor Greek Gods? Well, that’ll screw up belief in a Judeo-Christian religion.
There’s a pointless and badly choreographed dance scene that goes on way too long. It literally even puts the astronauts to sleep.
Oh, good. A love story out of nowhere and a relationship that either person would die for, even though they’ve only known each other for minutes. Just what the film needs.
One of the characters just checked his watch and you could see his sleeve by his wrist. Yet, he’s wearing a short sleeve shirt.
There’s a monster prowling about the curtains of this film. We haven’t really seen it fully yet, but the monster looks terrible. Literally, I think it’s just a guy with a burnt potato head.
You know, there’s really no plot in this film. Literally, it’s just people arrive on a planet with aliens who are really people and wander around.
BTW, I’m not even commenting on much because nothing is happening! Just wandering around the planet.
A couple of the characters seem to be trading bad accents. Literally, neither know how to do a British accent and they keep fading in and out of that voice.
Basically, the problem is Prasus is actually keeping all the Fire Maidens hostage, even though they don’t know it.
Now one of the Fire Maidens is on fire while the rest chant and dance. I don’t think they described why or how one can be on fire and still alive, but whatever.
All the fire maidens except the main gal are guy crazy, and the main gal’s in love with the main dude. I mean, I understand that the only man they’ve ever see was Prasus, but still.
The Monster is in. It’s literally a dude in a leotard with a burnt potato head who grunts, breathes heavily, and fake roars.
They threw a gas grenade at the monster and he fell onto the mattress below. You can tell there’s a mattress because it pops up behind the alter. Also, when they threw the gas grenade, it clearly hit the main girl as well, but she’s fine.
Well, the astronauts get back to their ship, a girl to each one, plus plenty of spares. Because, you know, I’m guessing these astronauts apparently want an orgy. Then again, being Atlantians, these girls are related to the ancient Greeks…
BTW, the film ends with the ship taking off with all the astronauts, plus the main girl. You’d think the main guy would kiss her as the credits roll, but nope, they just stare into each others eyes.

This film is terrible. Honestly, another one of the worst I’ve ever seen. In a way, it’s like the type of film Lost Skeleton of Cadavra parodies, yet at least the type of movie it parodies has a plot. This film really has no plot. It suffers from bad acting, bad writing, and pointless scenes, particularly the dance scenes. You have scenes of silence leading nowhere, over leaps of possibility and reason, it’s just terrible. I’d only recommend it because there are some scenes that are occasionally unintentionally funny, but even then, it’s a stretch for me to recommend it. No stars.

Tomorrow, I review Motel Hell! Should be fun! You know, it takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters!

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