For as long back as I can remember in internet years, people have been excited to see the future as visualized by Robert Zemeckis and Bob Gale in 1989’s Back to the Future Part II, sequel to the classic Back to the Future – a movie which only assholes hate. People have counted the years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds up until the date Doc Emmett Brown prescribed as the place where we don’t need roads… the 21 October 2015.
And how does it fare?
It’s kind of tough to really commit to calling a prediction made by a very ridiculous science-fiction comedy disappointing, but it is. A lot of the movie’s claims towards what would exist by the time I was at this age excited me and now we’re here and it’s just another thing to add to my ever-growing cynicism…
So I’m using this post to count all the fucking things we don’t have in the world now that it’s the future according to Back to the Future…
- There’s no such thing as a perfect Pepsi, so Pepsi Perfect is a misnomer, no matter how much they want to milk this marketing. That bottle’s ok, though.
- Also no soda so good we pay fifty bucks for it. We still have debt anyway, so that’s ok.
- Not only do we still have roads, but they’re really bad roads. I guess that’s part of living in Miami, but I’m sure other areas are not that better off. Dammit, Doc, you promised we wouldn’t need them!
- Speaking of not needing roads, since I’m not a millionaire (nor are most people), there is not an industry in flying cars. My car does not fly. My car doesn’t do much shit. My car is in the shop right now. Boy am I disillusioned.
- My muscles aren’t bionic. They don’t exist at all.
- Elijah Wood will never be that small again. He played a Hobbit and he still wasn’t that small again!
- No self-tying laces. I still need to tie my own shoes. And can’t.
- We’re still on Jaws 5 instead of 19 and Max Spielberg has not a single directorial credit to his name. Actually, given the quality of all those Jaws sequels, you can keep it that. They’re so retroactive even the future predicted how shitty the effects would look.
- No hologram marketing. Tupac isn’t telling me to go see Straight Outta Compton. And man, that joke I just made is two months too late.
- I can not say anything about the absence of the hoverboard that had not already been said.
- People aren’t wearing their pants pockets inside out, but given today’s style, that would easily be the least stupid thing one could do with their look.
- No suspended animation kennel for my pets to continue annoying me with.
Is there no one to save how we saw the future for me?
Wait… what’s this?!
… I think Doc just brightened what may come… The idea that just because the future isn’t what doesn’t mean there’s no time to make it. As long as a brighter day is promised by the rising of the sun, there is always a future!!!!
Ah fuck it…
… I’m gonna go to bed.
This list of things that haven’t happened in 2015 would probably be possible if my friend Marianna Elvira wasn’t watching the movie and texting me every reaction she has about it, but it wouldn’t be nearly as quick and easy it was to do.