Why Don’t I Strap on My Job Helmet and Squeeze Down into a Job Cannon and Fire Off into Job Land, Where Jobs Grow on Jobbies?

“Man, I wish I could be James Bond?”

“Why? He’s a political assassin.”

“Yeah, but he gets all the girls.”

-Conversation I overheard in Grade School around the release of Die Another Day

I’ve been wanting to make this list for months, spurred by my return to the job-hunting market earlier this year, but of course, that’s the thing about job-hunting: you don’t have time for other things. Y’know, assuming you have things to pay for like school and stuff. Anyway, thinking about this has made it a lot more fun than anxiety-inducing and now that I have time to post it, I present:

Ten Movies That Made Me Want the Job In It

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10. Best in Show (2000) – Dog Show Anything

Christopher Guest’s mockumentaries always have a ball of a time making any niche yet adorable field look like a clusterfuck, but Best in Show is the only one that made me think beyond my laughing at the characters’ stresses that the dogs do end up looking purdy and adorable beyond the effort and who wouldn’t want a job surrounded by all these doggos? So gimme any position, poodle fluffer, commentator, manicurist, dog washer, dog walker, I’ll do it all, just lemme be ’round those doggies.

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9. Jurassic Park (1993) – Chaotician

Did I even know what the hell a chaotician did when I was kid watching Spielberg’s famous dinosaur picture? Hell nah. But Jeff Goldblum’s Ian Malcolm made it look no different than being a goddamn rock star and his ability to know ahead of time how doomed the whole thing was but still be so cool and collected with made me wonder what was his secret. Then I realized it wasn’t that he was a chaotician… it was that he was a DIVORCED chaotician.

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8. The Indiana Jones franchise (1982-2008) – Archaeologist

I mean, yeah, obviously as a kid I was into all of the globe-trotting adventure that’s very clearly not archaeology, but then it interested me into the intellectual and cultural aspect of it and it opened a lot of doors into its applications in world history and then I was bad at AP World History in high school and that was the death of a dream.

But hey, at least now I know it ain’t that cool.

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7. The Paper Brigade (1996) – Paperboy

Obviously this one could ONLY apply to me as a kid, but it seemed like the easiest job in the world, even despite how overexaggerated the problems of Gunther’s adolescent life seemed to be accentuated by his route. But there’s no such thing as a PTSD-suffering Freddy Krueger, so there’s really nothing to worry about taking in fresh air, having your morning exercise, and learning how to throw a newspaper like a baseball in a peaceful quiet suburb.

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6. Empire Records (1995) – Music Store Employee

Ahhh… now here’s another one that could only apply to a certain age (I’m just turned 25 and still think I’m far too old to work in a record store at this point). Like anybody else who saw Empire Records at their teenage life, it made a good ol’ impression on me (one that sadly faded as I turned into my 20s) and it might have resulted in a over romanticization in surrounding myself in a big ol’ building full of music and having the liberty to mess around with it rather than actually help out my customers or musical guest.

I’m sure it’s not that cool. Please don’t let it be that cool and have me realize I missed out.

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5. Ratatouille (2007) – Chef

I mean, come on, we can’t ALLLLL be Remy, but there’s something inspiring about how he does what he does. Ratatouille is essentially an ode to all of art, but having cooking be at the very forefront of that art means being visually more inclined to the art we’re witnessing in that context. And man, that stuff looks good. At the very least, I’d want to personally able to make that food for myself.

I sigh as I realize I burned my buttered toast.

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4. Magic Mike XXL (2015) – Male Stripper

Note I specifically pointed out XXL and not, y’know, the original despite my loving Magic Mike more than its sequel. But the first Mike is a sobering portrayal of the economic atmosphere and makes the act feel like hard work. XXL doesn’t dismiss it (I mean, these characters will essentially be broke shortly after the movie – the movie opens with all of their unceremonious ejection from their livelihood with no direction to go), and yet it’s so carefree and eager to turn itself into a celebration of the job nevertheless, full of life and energy and party feelings. Plus, as much as objectification like that might seem shallow, wouldn’t it also kind of make you feel comfortable? At least, I’d be comfortable with myself being objectified that way. Or I would be if I knew how to dance.

Graffiti Pete got a #popstar look. #IntheHeights this weekend.

A post shared by Salim Garami (@theonceandfuturemisfit) on

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3. All the President’s Men (1976) – Journalist

When Spotlight looks much less glamorous and like more hard work than your film, that says something. I mean, I like a lot of hard work and I like putting a lot of investment in things and I like research, but I especially seeing the fruits of that labor (something Spotlight implied there’s always threat of it never coming to fruition without being so very ominous about it). All the President’s Men made its workers look once again like rock stars (most of it Carl Bernstein changing up the script to make himself look cool), but it also has a since of working-collar long and heavy nights changing the world just by typing kind of sense and there’s a real excitement to what Bernstein and Bob Woodward are doing that Spotlight can’t supply in all its sobriety.

Man, this really came across more as why Spotlight isn’t in this list than why All the President’s Men is.

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2. Apollo 13 (1995) – Astronaut

I know it’s crazy as hell to imagine the movie where everything that could go wrong in that sector went horribly wrong and threatened to take the lives of those men, but the thing is… they survived. And they made it. And what was kind of a failure ended up one of the biggest success stories because of Jim Lovell and Gene Kranz’s ingenuity and problem solving and that sort of intellectual accomplishment while being able to reach the cosmos is… it’s something I’d love to find inside of me. Exploration on top of being able to take care of myself.

It also involves maths which is perfect for me.

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  1. Batman Begins (2005) – Batman

I mean, always be Batman. That’s just a law of life. Especially when Batman does the most Batman-y things in this movie: actually investigates, saves the whole city, kicks some ninjas. It seems like a cool gig.

I mean, is this a cheat? Because I almost put Godzilla and James Bond as potential jobs too.

BONUSES:

maguire

Spider-Man (2002) – Photographer

Sure, it’s gig-based and Parker’s literally struggling financially, but it’s only two steps away from filmmaker and it’s something that gets him into places. Except I work there and it’s more stressful than I’d imagine.

Vin Diesel, Paul Walker

The Fast and the Furious (2001) – Mechanic Specifically Looking Like Vin Diesel

Every time I gotta work on my car some more (because I’m too broke to bother getting help) in hopes that I’m doing everything right, I end up wishing I was Vin Diesel. Or James Hetfield. Or somebody else.

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