PROFESSOR BIRDMAN’S WING-FLAPPING, PLUMAGE-FLAUNTING, BEAK-BUSTING THANKSGIVING WEEKEND MOVIE QUIZ

Obviously I’m late on this quiz, but Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule always seems to have the perfect ones just coming out at a point where I feel I need to recharge before getting back into gear with writing about movies. So here we goooooo!!!

1) Most obnoxious movie you’ve ever seen

Do I get to say Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates, even though I couldn’t finish it (and I was like 5/6 of the way in) because it was so fucking shrill? If I don’t get to say that, then The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Fucking noise pollution that one is.

2) Favorite oddball pairing of actors.

Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis Jr. in Bubba Ho-Tep and I sure am glad to have seen them together.

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3) Which movie would you have paid to see remade by Ken Russell?

Fifty Shades of Grey. There’s gonna be some really occultist moods rising out of it with Ken Russell behind the camera, something that brings suddenly more camp value and artistic merit out of the material. And just imagine: Oliver Reed as Christian Grey.

4) Emma Stone or Margot Robbie?

I’m kind of mad that Margot Robbie isn’t already a HOUSEHOLD MOVIE STAR, even though she’s given performance after performance that steals scenes from movies that don’t deserve it (FocusThe Wolf of Wall Street, even fucking Suicide Squad). So no slight to the talented Stone, but Team Robbie until she gets her due.

Looking forward to I, Tonya on the praise of certain friends.

5) Which member of Monty Python are you?

Terry Gilliam. We like animation and visual art, we get into hissy fits over filmmaking, we’re petty over artists we don’t like (though I’d certainly battle him over his attitude towards Spielberg), and we’re both broke as fuck.

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6) Which movie would you have paid to see remade by Vincent Minnelli?

High School Musical because if we’re gonna be inaccurate to my high school experiences, why not go for broke?

7) Franco Nero or Gian Maria Volonte?

Franco Nero because his charm is of the grizzled heroic sort, while Volonte is of the slimy villain sort. I wanna be one of the good guys, man.

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8) Your favorite Japanese monster movie

It’s cheating to say Godzilla, even though it IS my answer. I guess Daimajin can take over, given how he don’t play no games.

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9) Which movie would you have paid to see remade by Stanley Kubrick?

Forrest Gump. I don’t need to say why.

10) Hanna Schygulla or Barbara Sukowa?

Schygulla. The Marriage of Maria Braun, yo.

11) Name a critically admired movie that you hate.

There are so many, obviously. Bur I feel like nobody will try to stop me right now if I say American Beauty, a movie that already felt creepy and pretentious and misogynistic well before it turned out it was starring a creep.

12) Which movie would you have paid to see remade by Elia Kazan?

Glengarry Glen Ross. Character and tension driven drama, that’s right on his wavelength.

13) Better or worse: Disney comedies (1955-1975) or Elvis musicals?

Excuse me? Are we implying Elvis musicals are bad? Fuck outta here.

14) Which movie would you have paid to see remade by Alfred Hitchcock?

The Book of Henry, oh my fucking gawd.

15) Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum?

Ryan Gosling has hella talent and often picks more interesting projects, but I’m sorry, my heart goes Channing Tatum who continuously charms the shit out of me and has moves like Jagger.

16) Bad performance in a movie you otherwise like/love.

Y’know, I just rewatched Blow Out and Nancy Allen’s performance has got some less than ideal connotations so I’m gonna go with that one. Still that shot of her screaming.

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17) Which movie would you have paid to see remade by Howard Hawks?

The Last Man on Earth/The Omega Man/I Am Legend. Basically re-adapt Matheson’s book with less moving parts than Hawks is used too but probably more incisive to the lonely masculinity of the lead. If John Wayne stars, that’s a plus.

18) Tippi Hedren or Kim Novak?

Kim Novak. Doesn’t get enough credit for Vertigo.

19) Best crime movie remake.

John Huston’s The Maltese Falcon, but who the fuck even thinks about the original?

20) Which movie would you have paid to see remade by Preston Sturges?

Le Million. I mean, the movie’s already a perfect masterpiece, let’s be damned well honest and I don’t like international films being remade in America but I really would have loved to see a Preston Sturges musical and this premise is exactly the sort of heart he knows how to work with.

21) West Side Story (the movie), yes or no?

Eh. I don’t think it’s a bad movie but I’ve never been as in love with it as anyone else. I think the much better Robert Wise feature musical is 4 years later.

22) Which movie would you have paid to see remade by Luchino Visconti?

Le Samouraï. We already he has a love for Alain Delon based on how he used Delon in The Leopard. And man, the design would probably be less sleek but more lavish. But again we’d be remaking a perfect masterpiece.

23) What was the last movie you saw, theatrically and/or on DVD/Blu-ray/streaming?

Theatrically: The Disaster Artist

DVD: Kuroneko

Blu-Ray: Blow Out

Streaming: Riley the Cop

One of these things is not like the other. One of these movies sucks.

24) Brewster McCloud or O.C. and Stiggs?

I’ve only seen Brewster McCloud.

25) Which movie would you have paid to see remade by Luis Bunuel?

Olympia. I know it’s a documentary that’s unsubtly Nazi propaganda but YOLO, Buñuel would DESTROY that shit.

26) Best nature-in-revolt movie.

“Best” is a false term, but I get the most joy out of the idiocy of 2012.

27) Best Rene Auberjoinois performance (film or TV)

My man, that wonderful voice cameo in The Little Mermaid where he nearly murdered my dawg Sebastian to song. What a horrifying villain.

28) Which movie would you have paid to see remade by Ingmar Bergman?

3 Godfathers. I can’t imagine what Bergman would want to make this movie and I’d love to see him rip it apart.

29) Best movie with a bird or referencing a bird in its title?

The Bird with the Crystal Plummage. Only because it is the first movie that comes to my mind.

30) Burt Lancaster or Michael Keaton?

Burt Lancaster and you have no idea how hard this was.

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31) In what way have the recent avalanche of allegations unearthed in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal changed the way you look at movies and the artists who make them?

It really took me aback to recognize the scale of sexual violence in the industry (especially with #MeToo) and insisted that sweeping things under the rug and “separating the art from the artist” is not good enough anymore. We can’t allow these sort of people to be put in a position of power and the complicity is with everyone – co-workers who work with the perpetrators, audiences who pay to see his work, everybody, man.

We gotta do better.

Also that it’s probably every industry, not just film, that has this abuse of power.

32) In 2017 which is “better,” TV or the movies?

Twin Peaks: The Return is easily the best audio-visual work I saw since Mad Max: Fury Road and I’m slightly considering putting it as number one on my end of the year list not in claim that it’s a movie (which no, it’s fucking not. It’s a TV series) but as declaration of how much I now fucking hate movies.

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