PROFESSOR VAN HELSING’S JUST-BEFORE-SUNRISE WOODEN-STAKE-THROUGH-SPRING-BREAK QUIZ

Y’all should know by now how this shit rolls. A poll from April 2006, but I’m too lazy to play “pretend you are in that time period” with this one as you will see by my answers. Let’s roll!

1) What film made you angry, either while watching it or in thinking about it afterward?

Michael Haneke’s US remake of Funny Games definitely was the point where I recognized what an intolerable presumptuous bitch he was. Even while I still swallow it and continue watching his movies in the hope that they provide something worthwhile, I’ve never lost that anger towards him as a filmmaker or storyteller.

2) Favorite sidekick.

Really tough to qualify Tigger by the strictest concept of a “sidekick” so I may instead opt for my homie Sebastian in The Little Mermaid. In any case, there was no way I wasn’t going to pick a Disney character for this.



3) One of your favorite movie lines.

“Remember you’re fighting for this woman’s honor which is probably more than she ever did.”



4) William Holden or Burt Lancaster?

Burt Lancaster without a second thought. Not to disrespect Holden.

5) Describe a perfect moment in a movie.

The titular dance sequence in Singin’ in the Rain. Pure happiness, maybe the happiest moment in all of cinema.



6) Favorite John Ford movie.

Now here’s a tough fucking question. I might just stay with the classical Stagecoach, but holy shit does this flip over and over. One of my favorite directors.

7) The inverse of a question from the last quiz: What film artist (director, actor, screenwriter, whatever) has the least–deserved good reputation, artistically speaking. And who would you replace him/her with on that pedestal?

Marlon Brando fucking sucked as an actor. I don’t know who I’d replace him with because actors don’t need more shit getting to their heads.

8) Barbara Stanwyck or Ida Lupino?

Barbara Stanwyck without a fucking thought. Again no disrespect to Ida Lupino.


9) Showgirls— yes or no?

Fuck yes. You meatheads were able to quickly decide Starship Troopers was satire but somehow missed Showgirls even when it got to it by the same methods.

10) Most exotic or otherwise unusual place in which you ever saw a movie.

Caught the top secret world premiere back in Fall 2019 of a certain 2020 Sundance release in a Masonic Temple in Downtown Miami. The ambience was more rewarding than the movie, to be honest.

11) Favorite Robert Altman movie

Nashville

12) Best argument for allowing rock stars to participate in the making of movies.

Never seen a rock star appear in a movie without having a shitload of screen presence, good or bad.

13) Describe a transcendent moment in a film (a moment when you realized a film that just seemed routine or merely interesting before had become become something much more).

The final few scenes of William Castle’s Macabre where they really tried to throw us into a real shocker of a reveal after an awesomely creepy cemetery sequence. Y’know how it is, Castle always wants to hit ya hard.

14) Gina Gershon or Jennifer Tilly?

Jennifer Tilly, almost exclusively on the weight of her performances in the Chucky movies.


15) Favorite Frank Capra movie.

It Happened One Night

16) The scene you most wish you could have witnessed being filmed.

The climactic morgue battle in Re-Animator. Imagine getting to watch a whole bunch of makeup effects covered naked people surrounding and attacking Jeffrey Combs, while we have a headless dude running around, a decapitated head effect acting, and that one fucking giant intestines grabbing dudes. It’d be like a kid in a candy store for me.

17) Robert Ryan or Richard Widmark?

Robert Ryan in all his muscularity.

18) Name a movie that inspired you to walk out before it was finished.

The remake to Prom Night where my friends realized that The Forbidden Kingdom was actually playing right next door. Only mildly an upgrade, but we were 15 at the time so a Jackie Chan and Jet Li movie sounded like the greatest idea of all time.

19) Favorite political movie.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

20) Your favorite movie poster/one-sheet, or the one you’d most like to own.


21) Jeff Bridges or Jeff Goldblum?

Jeff Bridges. Even with Goldblum’s addictive weirdness and even with Bridges going from originally playing every role post-1998 as The Dude to playing every role post-2010 as Rooster Cogburn, Bridges just has more performances I love.

22) Favorite Ken Russell movie.

The Devils.

23) Accepting the conventional wisdom that 1970-1975 marked a golden age of American filmmaking in which artistic ambition and popular acceptance were not mutually exclusive, what for you was this golden age’s high point? (Could be a movie, a trend, the emergence of a star, whatever)

Francis Ford Coppola winning the Palme d’Or and the Best Picture Oscar for different movies within the same movie year.

24) Grace Kelly or Ava Gardner?

Ava Gardner. Night of the Iguana made me a man.


25) With total disregard for whether it would ever actually be considered, even in this age of movie recycling, what film exists that you feel might actually warrant a sequel, or would produce a sequel you’d actually be interested in seeing?

Would genuinely like continuations of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension where a new actor plays Buckaroo Banzai each movie and my Dream Team for each one is: John Cho, Lakeith Stanfield, Kitano Takeshi, Tilda Swinton, Dev Patel, Steven Yeun, Maggie Cheung, Taika Waititi, and Robert Pattinson. It’ll never fucking end, baby!

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